The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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