hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Never underestimate the power of titties
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