who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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