My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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