my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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