So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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