Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
