My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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