I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
