we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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