my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
