Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize