some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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