Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
