totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize