i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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