I think I died a long time ago.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
