the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just googled if crying burns calories
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
