You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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