By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
