just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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