i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
