My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
