it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
