my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
