I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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