her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
