Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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