My hand turned me down
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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