Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
