I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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