you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize