Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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