The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
