why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
