we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
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