sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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