Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
