I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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