Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
