how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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