we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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