ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
