Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
