I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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