I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
