Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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