Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
