Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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