masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize