So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
