he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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