I just cut my nipple shaving
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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