i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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