yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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