apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
