Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
