My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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