dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
