I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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