He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
