I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You made out with two different species that night
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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