Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
