No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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