yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
