the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
