what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
