Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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