my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
