Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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