I love black thongs
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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