Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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