So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize