Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
