This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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