She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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