You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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