i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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