I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
