She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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