I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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