Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
No subtext here. People are naked.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
