I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Farmville is her only friend.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
This is the high leading the old right now
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize