so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
