Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
